Sexual Boredom : The importance of distance and separation

One of the themes that comes up often in therapy is a fatalism around how sex will only get worse the longer a couple is together. It is a real fear that new couples have which can put unnecessary and unwanted pressure on their budding relationship. When a couple’s sex life declines, the question comes up of “is this decline normal or abnormal?” Is there simply just a natural waning of sexual interest between two partners who stay together past their “honeymoon” period? Or is it ennui that leads to not caring enough to attend to the sexual desires of our partners or of ourselves?

The expectation that society puts on new couples in regards to the standards of “good sex” leads to unrealistic expectations of sexual bliss. Sexual enthusiasm is expected to be at its peak during the first several months of a relationship, regardless of professional obligations, emotional ups and downs, or physical constraints…not to mention differences in libido. When it’s not, or when it declines, there is a real concern of something being “wrong” with the couple’s sexual chemistry.

So what leads to a fading of sexual interest?

One answer is a lack of sexual idealization for our partners. When a couple first meets, they are still separate identities, rooted in their respective lives. This creates for a lack of familiarity, and promotes psychological distance. New lovers feel connected and separate at the same time. Then, when couples have merged their identities after having spent more time together, there is a loss of the root self. What is gained, on the other hand, is empathy and intimacy (emotional, physical, intellectual, etc.). In short, it is a double-edged sword that we are fumbling around trying to figure out how to use while trying not to impale ourselves on.

The role of distance and separation in a couple is important in order to keep a sense of autonomy and “self” in place. It creates boundaries to “see” the other at arm’s length, and gives them the space to go towards the other, so to speak. This distance creates interest and differentiation. Without this, the couple can smother each other and become overly-familiar with their emotional, mental, and physical selves.

Familiarity can lead to sexual boredom, as we can see in couples who have lived together for many years and whose identities have merged together. We live in a society where our partners are expected to be the end-all-be-all of our world, and be extremely compatibility with our wants/needs/interests (for more reading on this, check out Esther Perel’s Mating In CaptivityI). This merging of identities leads to a lack of autonomy and loss of boundaries.

Sexual boredom in long term couples is not a misconception : without attentive care, sex between partners can become monotonous and bland after a period of time. Everyone tends to temper their sexual enthusiasm over time in a long-term relationship, but this doesn’t mean that the sexual connection that partners have needs to diminish in quality. By implementing space within the couple by imposing healthy boundaries and staying rooted in self-identities, sex can be a place where a couple returns to “find” one another in a creative, intense way.

Yoni : Meeting and Embracing Your Feminine Self

Yoni - or the deep feminine energy within a woman - is at once the simplest and most difficult concept to explain. First, there is the challenge of overcoming centuries of repressed knowledge about the unbridled power that women hold within their sexual and reproductive anatomy. Second, there is helping each individual woman to understand and connect to her respective yoni…not an easy task when we are not taught this skill by our female community.

When I say that yoni is a simple concept, I mean that it is a widely accepted belief that women are the holder’s of reproductive and sexual power. Almost every time I explain to a woman (often in therapy) that she has a deeper, wiser, older feminine energy within her body who is accompanying her in life, I’m met with nods of agreement and acceptance. Through practice, patience, and a dose of imagination, these women enter into communication with this inherent part of themselves; and it is glorious to witness. Some see her as a best friend, a compagnon, another part of their personalities, or a stranger that they have yet to understand. Some see her as an energy force, an ancestor from a past life, or a sister. The connection that is acknowledged and recognized between a woman and her yoni allows for a clearer understanding of the deeper feminine self.

This is where yoni becomes a very difficult concept to explain, I find. Several questions come up, such as: What do women get from having a clearer understanding of their deeper feminine selves? What is to be achieved, concretely, by diving into this relationship? And how does one communicate with a part of themselves that is an energy force coming from their sexual organs?

Communication with yoni helps to interpret and understand a woman’s sexual and interpersonal history from a deeper, wiser perspective. Yoni has been with the woman for her entire life, beginning at birth. She has experienced the ups and downs of life : puberty, adolescence, first kisses, first intimacies, sexual encounters, pregnancies, miscarriages, menopause…all of it. She has her own opinions and reactions to how these moments have all been handled, and the more in tune with these “yoni thoughts” a woman is, the more she can understand herself.

This is the work : spending time with yoni in order to listen, respond, and show her care. The healthier this communication, the more fulfilled both yoni and woman become.

Menstruation & Fertility: Taboo Subjects (No Longer)

As a general rule, menstruation in Western and Eastern society is positioned in one of two boxes : either the continuation of mankind that should be kept invisible, or the uncontrollable ending of a monthly feminine cycle that is shameful and unclean if not properly hidden. This blog post will touch on both of these points as they are repeatedly turned into taboo subjects due to painful social stigmas.

I talk often in therapy about honoring the male and female body by exploring it without judgment, scrutiny, or reproach. I believe that only when we are in acceptance of our bodies - imperfect as they are - can we relax into the pleasure of a fulfilling sexual experience. It is therefore a great pain for me when women talk about their menstruation as an experience that takes them away from the appreciation of their bodies. This isn’t a surprising reaction to menstruation given the cultural rhetoric around bleeding and the importance of covering it up so that it is invisible. However, it was not always this way. In Judy Grahn’s “Blood, Bread, and Roses”, she explains that ancient rites around menstruation are the foundation of our culture today…that menstruation not only served as the basis of reproduction, but also as a marker of celebration and ceremony involving special clothing, food, and a period of seclusion. This led to contemporary material culture with examples in makeup, jewelry, furniture, and decorations. However we have come so far from these ancient rites - in time and in the way that we live - that menstruation has taken on a completely different, isolated identity from those original, ancient ways. Perhaps this is also due to humankind’s desire to always evolve, change, and progress. If we associate menstruation with our ancestors thousands of years ago, it risks to be seen as a sign that we have not advanced (enough) from our cave-man ancestors. This is an unfortunate loss of sight and appreciation for the birth of our ancient rites.

As a relationship therapist, my work with couples often involves the subject of fertility. Couples who are trying to get pregnant, recovering from infertility issues, or maintain disagreements around becoming parents are topics that walk through my door with couples more often than not. I find it helpful to air out these subjects among the three of us in order to bring it all “into the room”. This means discussing expectations around parenthood, hopes for the future, and taking stock of the couple’s physical and mental health regarding (in)fertility. Mixed up in these discussions many times is the woman’s role in becoming pregnant. She is often the default party to take on the responsibility of the pregnancy, and her efforts to gain control of this unpredictable process frequently involves physical monitoring of her monthly hormonal cycle. This observation can shift her yoni from a source of pleasure and erotic knowledge to a vehicle that is poked and prodded with temperature taking, urine samples, and hormonal injections. The focus of love-making can therefore quickly shift to a mechanical process of insemination. Moreover, period blood can be an extremely painful, reoccurring reminder for a couple that pregnancy has not been achieved, linking pain and disappointment with the menstruation.

What would happen if we brought these taboo subjects of menstruation and fertility into the light? What if we could find the courage to dig into our emotions and sift through the fear, anger, pain, and shame to see where it all comes from? Does it come from intergenerational trauma? Societal messages? Personal experience? What I know is that the more women embrace their bodies, and the mysteries that happen within them, the more their yonis give back. And when yonis are happy, the world becomes a better place to live in.

Sisterhood : The Importance of Finding Your People

When I first started out in Paris at 22 years old, I was teaching teenagers about sexual health. The discussions would often turn to other matters on their minds, such as, “what was it like to go to college?” They’d often ask about all the freedoms, drugs, sex, and wild parties that they’d been conjuring up in their brains…and I’d tell them that, while those things were fun and exciting at the time, what I think about when I look back at my experience in college is the opportunity it gave me to find my people.

In high school, there are so many social pressures to be “cool”, to fit in, to look a certain way, to do certain things, to not do other things, to conform. And I conformed pretty well. Overall, I emerged unscathed and relatively confident. But when I got to college, I felt like I could take a breath for the first time. I could reinvent myself and find the group of people who liked me for me, not for what I did or didn’t do/wear/say/look like. This was a game-changer for me, and I credit it as the period in my life when I was first able to ask myself "who I am?”

The slow process of answering that question takes a lifetime. The technical term is “self-actualization”, and it’s never fully finished. Taking yourself on, getting to know yourself deeply so that you can start to have the confidence to bring yourself towards other people is the real work of living a full life. When you can hold yourself, knowing who you are in your perfect imperfections, you can then open yourself up to being vulnerable with others.

It didn’t happen overnight, but I met some of my closest friends in my first year of college. I listened to the true voice inside of me (not to the high-school-norms-and-pressures voice), and navigated my way towards the people who shared my interests and built me up with positive feedback and reassurance. This is the sisterhood that supports me today, and which makes up a network of support that awaits me in the wings when I need guidance and love.

I believe that in order to find that group of people, it starts with exploring yourself. Here are some questions that you can use as a starting block into your self-exploration. They can be used in journal format, talking with a friend, or just thinking through on your own during a long walk.

• What does my perfect day look like?

• When do I feel the most confident about who I am?

• When is my body at it’s most energized? When is my mind at it’s most energized?

• When was the last time I felt seen by someone else?

• When was the last time I felt brought down by someone else?

• What creates strong reactions in me? What do I feel passionately about?

• How do I talk to myself when I am feeling self-critical?

• When was the last time I felt truly content?