Why “Having a Boyfriend Is Embarrassing” Hit a Nerve — and What It Really Says About Modern Dating
I was invited to speak on France24 about the global rise in singlehood and what has been called the “relationship recession.” We explored how digital dating, cultural shifts, and increasing social isolation are transforming the way people form, maintain, and experience intimate relationships — and what this means for connection, desire, and belonging in modern life. This blog post describes a few of my observations about the subject raised by the recent Vogue article, which posed a tongue-in-cheek question: Is it embarrassing to have a boyfriend now?
The piece was light, ironic, and almost playful. And yet the reaction to it was anything but. People felt exposed. Defensive. Triggered. Which raises the real question — not is it embarrassing to have a boyfriend? — but why did this joke land so deeply? Because it touched something very real.
The Joke Wasn’t Serious — But the Feeling Is
The article itself is comedic, but the intensity of the public reaction reveals an underlying emotional truth: many women today feel that being in a heterosexual relationship requires explanation, justification, or defence.
Not because they don’t want love — but because love now exists in a cultural context that subtly questions it.
A growing number of women feel a quiet pressure to prove that choosing a relationship doesn’t mean they’ve compromised their autonomy, intelligence, or emotional evolution. The joke lands because it mirrors an unspoken fear:
If I choose partnership, will I be seen as less independent, less interesting, less awake?
Humour often exposes what we’re not quite ready to say out loud.
Why Having a Boyfriend Is a Liability (and Not in the Way You Think)
For women, having a boyfriend carries a form of reputational risk that men rarely experience in reverse.
Women are judged not only on who they are — but on who they choose.
If a man is socially awkward, emotionally clumsy, politically tone-deaf, or simply “cringe,” the question rarely becomes what’s wrong with him?
It becomes: why is she with him?
Women absorb their partner’s public image. They inherit his PR.
Men almost never inherit the reputational consequences of the women they date.
This means being publicly partnered as a woman requires an additional layer of emotional labour: relational risk management.
Situationships and Gendered Embarrassment
There’s another place where shame falls unevenly.
When a situationship doesn’t become a relationship, women often carry a specific cultural judgement:
You invested emotionally. You were intimate. You reorganised your life. And for what?
Women are socially conditioned to feel embarrassed not by desire — but by effort without outcome.
Men are less likely to have their emotional investments evaluated as miscalculations. For women, relational learning often comes packaged with public shame.
And shame discourages exploration, vulnerability, and emotional truth.
Financial Equality Has Changed the Deal
Women now have more financial autonomy than any generation before them — which has quietly rewritten the social contract of dating.
When women no longer need men for economic stability, the currency of desirability shifts.
What matters more now are soft skills:
emotional literacy
communication
accountability
empathy
self-reflection
ability to repair after conflict
relational presence
These skills were never systematically taught to men. In fact, many men were socialised away from them.
So women are now dating in a landscape where they no longer need men financially — but often find themselves needing emotional capacities men were not prepared to develop.
Which leads to a painful modern paradox:
If I don’t need him economically, and he can’t meet me emotionally — what is the relationship for?
Why Men Feel “Cringier” Right Now
This isn’t about men being worse — it’s about men being out of sync.
Cultural expectations of masculinity have evolved faster than the structures that help men adapt. Emotional intelligence is now relational currency — but many men were raised in systems that rewarded stoicism, not emotional fluency.
So women are navigating intimacy across a skills gap — often doing emotional translation work in relationships that no longer function on old scripts.
What gets labelled as “cringe” is often not immaturity — but misalignment.
The Real Shift
This moment isn’t about rejecting love.
It’s about renegotiating what partnership means when autonomy, emotional intelligence, and self-definition are non-negotiable.
Women are not becoming anti-relationship.
They are becoming anti-misalignment.
And men are not becoming unlovable — but they are being asked to evolve into a relational world they were not trained for.
Which means this cultural tension isn’t a crisis.
It’s a transition.
And transitions are always uncomfortable.
Practical Takeaways for Readers
1. You don’t need to justify your desire for partnership
If you want love, closeness, or commitment, that is not a regression — it is a human need. You don’t owe anyone a philosophical defence of your relationship choices.
2. Pay attention to how safe your relationship feels for your nervous system
Ask yourself:
Can I express needs without fear?
Can I be imperfect without losing connection?
Do I feel emotionally met — not just socially paired?
Your body often knows the answer before your head does.
3. Evaluate relationships on emotional skill — not potential
Potential is not partnership.
Consistency, repair, accountability, and presence are.
Look at what someone does, not what you imagine they could become.
4. You are not “embarrassing” for learning through relationships
Heartbreak, situationships, and missteps are not personal failures — they are how relational intelligence develops. There is no shortcut to emotional maturity.
5. If you’re single, you are not behind
Singlehood today is not a waiting room.
It is a legitimate, full phase of life — one that can be rich, meaningful, intimate, and complete.
6. If you’re partnered, your relationship should support your growth — not diminish your identity
A healthy relationship expands you.
It does not require you to shrink, justify, or apologise for who you are becoming.